Wit and Wisdom of The Simpsons Part 1

Some of the funniest Simpsons quotes from the last 20 years. Part 1 of an 110 part series!

Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, your sexual harassment suit is exactly what I need to help rebuild my shattered practice. Care to join me in a belt of scotch?

Marge Simpson: But it's only 9:30 in the morning!

Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days.

Lisa Simpson: I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still doesn't excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.

Homer Simpson: That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.

Marge Simpson: Well it doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know? It's what shows up on the surface that counts. That's what my mother taught me. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down, past your knees until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you, and happiness will follow.

Homer Simpson: Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Grandpa Simpson: The good Lord lets us grow old for a reason: to gain the wisdom and to find fault with everything He's made. Mr. Peterson, you can take this job and re-staff it! And one more thing... I never once washed my hands. That's your policy, not mine!

Homer Simpson: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

Ralph Wiggum: When I grown up, I'm going to Bovine University!

Bart Simpson: You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye.

Homer Simpson: [Laughing] The fly was funny, but the booger was the icing on the cake!

Mr. Burns: Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash!

Smithers: Um, well, sir... it happened twenty-five years before I was born.

Mr. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything!

[Bart's looking for his dog.]

Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt -- and I 'ate 'im! [Bart gasps.] I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always barkin'! So I gave 'im to the church.

Bart Simpson: Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church.

Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug. [Bart stares.] Ya heard me!

Chief Wiggum: All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.

Man: Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns?!

Chief Wiggum: Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name.

Man: I've had it up to here with your "rules"!

[Leaves]

Marge Simpson: I think we're going to need a bigger place.

Homer Simpson: No, we don't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's room and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.

Marge Simpson: Won't that warp him?

Homer Simpson: My cousin Frank did it.

Marge Simpson: You don't have a cousin Frank.

Homer Simpson: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

[Dr. Nick Faces the Medical Review Board]

Dr. Nick: Hi Everybody!

The Board: Hi, Dr. Nick!

Board Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant...

Dr. Nick: But I cleaned them with my napkin!

Board Chairman: ...misuse of cadavers...

Dr. Nick: I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane!

Kirk Van Houten: If you see a tie on the doorknob, that means I'm with a lady.
Homer Simpson: But you don't have a doorknob.
Kirk Van Houten: I don't have a tie either!

Kent Brockman: The Weather Service has warned us to brace ourselves for the onslaught of Hurricane Barbara. And if you think naming a destructive storm after a woman is sexist, you obviously have never seen the gals grabbing for items at a clearance sale.

Lenny: Hey, what happened? It's bright in the middle of the night.
Carl: You know what this reminds me of? My Icelandic boyhood.